Dear James Diamond
by ScisaaclyKogan
Summary: James Diamond was a heartbreaker, a soul killer, the devil with an angel's face. Carlos knew that, but he kept letting James in whenever the time arose. He shouldn't let James use him, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop loving the boy with the hazel eyes.


James Diamond was beautiful. His hazel eyes could trap you with their intensity; making you feel important, wanted. His skin was kissed by the sun rays of those hot LA days. And his hazel eyes were as intoxicating as the vodka Carlos held in his hand. He brought the glass up to his lips and took a sip. The clear liquid burned his throat. He coughed to relieve the painful sensation, leaving a warm tingling feeling. Carlos closed his eyes and took a long breath. Those eyes. Those hazel eyes. He saw them as he closed his own. He snapped his eyes open and ran his hand down his face, letting it idle over his mouth. James Diamond was all he ever saw, all he ever thought about. His smile, his eyes, every detail of that man was edged into Carlos's brain. He didn't know how to shake the images out, but he wished he could. He really did, but he couldn't. He couldn't because his heart wouldn't let him. Maybe he had some hope one day James Diamond would love him. Or maybe his heart did, it couldn't let go. But his brain knew; it knew a lot. Carlos was smart. Maybe not as smart as Logan, but he was smart enough to know when something is hopeless. And this was hopeless. Carlos set the glass down on the counter in front of him and stood up from the chair his body had occupied for god knows how long now. He needed to lie down, to shut his brain off for just a little while. He lay down on the bright orange couch and closed his eyes. Eventually, he drifted off into a deep sleep.

* * *

"Whaa..?" Carlos murmured as his eyes slightly opened, his eyes on a talk figure above him.

"Shhh..." The man said as he stroked Carlos's hair. "Go back to sleep baby... It's ok." Carlos squinted at the person, trying to identify them.

"Who... Are you?" He asked, struggling to form the words as his brain was still half a sleep. He saw the man smile, his teeth white as pearls. "James?"

"Shhh..." James whispered, picking Carlos up bridle style. Carlos was confused, but he was so tired he fell back to sleep in James's arms.

* * *

Carlos awoke once again. This time he was in his own bed. He had no recollection of how he ended up there. He sat up, rubbing his eyes, then turned his head to look at his digital alarm clock. It read 2:00. His confusion grew deeper as he looked around his empty room. He heard nothing. The apartment was dead silent; which was highly unusual considering the residents included three other teenaged boys who would usually be causing a racket. Carlos flipped the covers off his body, to see he was in nothing but his boxers. Strange. He fell asleep in his clothing. He shook the thought away, got out of bed, and walked to the window. He peered out to see that it was pitch black outside. _'2am,'_ He thought. _'Thats why it's so quiet.'_

"Carlos?" Carlos froze. He recognized that voice. He turned around to see who he has suspected; James Diamond.

"Yeah?" He asked, although he didn't really know if he wanted to hear what James was going to say. James lied a lot. He used people, especially Carlos. He thought Carlos was stupid, that he didn't know he was playing with him, but he knew. He knew all too well.

"You're awake." He said, smiling at the Latino boy across the room.

"Yeah..." Carlos breathed, as James walked towards him. "How did I get to my bed? I fell asleep on the couch..." James Chuckled. He got closer until he and the shorter boy were close enough to hear each other's heart beat. Carlos's was racing faster than a comet. James knew that.

"Oh you don't remember." He ran a hand down Carlos's arm. "I brought you to bed. You looked uncomfortable on the couch." He continued.

"Oh... I remember now." Recalled Carlos, looking away from the older boy who towered over him. James smiled again and turned Carlos's head towards him. He looked into the boy's deep brown eyes. '_He isn't gay.'_ Carlos told himself. _'He doesn't love you. Get away from him before he uses you again. Get away.'_ But he didn't. He let James Diamond kiss him hard and touch his body. He missed his hands.

They were on the bed now, James sucking his neck, their bodies melting together, fitting like pieces to a puzzle. '_Push him off and run. He doesn't love you. He isn't gay.'_ But he didn't. He let James Diamond fuck him.

It was 4am now. James Diamond was lying next to him in his bed, Carlos resting his head on his chest. _'Maybe it will be different this time.'_ He thought. '_Maybe he'll be here in the morning.'_ He breathed in James Diamond's scent. It made his heart flutter. He fell asleep once again.

It was 9am now. He woke up, the room was cold and quiet. Light shined through the window on to his face, making him squint and block it with his eyes. He looked to his left, he was alone. James Diamond did it again. Carlos stared blankly at the bed, tracing where the hazel eyed man once lay with his eyes. He remembered when this happened for the first time. He cried when we awoke to find James had left. He stayed in bed for three days straight, until Logan and Kendall made him go outside. He got over it eventually. He was able to look James in the eye again two weeks later. But then it happened again. He believed James when he said he loved him. He let him touch him for the second time. James didn't stay to say good morning. He cried again. But this was the fourth time, he's out of tears. James was not gay. Carlos knew that. He knew James was using him, but that hope in his heart that maybe this time will be different kept him alive. But it never was.

Carlos decided it was time to get up at 11am. He showered, got dressed and ate whatever it was Mrs. Knight had made; he hadn't payed attention. He felt dead inside, on edge. He loved James Diamond so much.

Walking into the lobby of the Palmwoods was a bad idea. He saw James there, making out with an unidentified blonde girl on one of the couches. He watched the boy he loved love someone else for a moment, but the tears burned his eyes so he turned away and rubbed them clear. When he looked back James Diamond was looking at him. He smiled at the broken boy then turned back to the girl. He knew he'd hurt Carlos. Maybe that was his goal all along. Carlos felt a pain in his heart. It was so strong he could barely move, his vision blurred. The tension in the room went unnoticed by James, but was all to prominent to Carlos. He needed to get out, the air was crushing him. He regained feeling in his body once again and began to run. He ran up the stairs back to the apartment and slammed the door.

"Hello?!" He called out breathlessly. There was no response; the apartment was empty. His breathing was so heavy he had to lean onto the wall behind him. He finally let the tears find their way out of his eyes. _'This is all my fault,'_ he told himself. _'Why do I let these things happen?'_ Carlos knew the answer, but he didn't want to admit it to himself again... Maybe it was just because he was stupid; an idiot, oblivious, a child. He felt like a child and James made him feel like he was a man. After all those years of being the baby of their friends he needed something or someone give him that sense of maturity he needed. But it all came crashing down. Or maybe it was just as simple as it seemed to be; he was in love with James Diamond. That same James Diamond who broke him continuously until there was nothing left to shatter. Carlos ran a hand through his short hair and punched the wall, hard. His hand was throbbing but he didn't care, he liked the feeling. Enough was enough. He'd had enough of all this suffering. The hope was gone there was no hope for anything in his life to turn around, solely because he was in love with a boy who had no feelings for him. Maybe James Diamond didn't have feelings for anyone, or anything, ever. But that didn't matter to Carlos. What mattered is that James didn't have feelings for him. His breathing slowed down as he regained his breath. _'Enough is enough.'_ Carlos went into his schoolbag, which was sitting on the kitchen table, and pulled out two pieces of paper and a pen. He first began writing a letter to Kendall, Logan, Katie, and Mrs. Knight, telling them he loved them and that he's sorry. Then he began one to the boy with the hazel eyes; James. He let out every feeling, every bit of anger dwelling with in him to that letter. He had to tell James what he thought of him, every last detail. His hand hurt when he finished but he was satisfied. He read it over again and again and again, making sure it was perfect.

_Dear James Diamond, _

_I love you. I really do and I'm sorry I do. I know I shouldn't. I know you'd never love me... I know maybe I shouldn't be writing this... But I have to. It's not to hurt you, not that it will. James Diamond, you were my everything. You made me and broke me. Broke me more than anything, James. You hurt me so badly. You used me, you lied to me. You said you loved me. James Diamond, why do you lie? Why would you hurt me like that when I loved you? I know you're not gay James. Or maybe I'm wrong. I don't know and I guess I never will. James Diamond, you're a heartbreaker. You're a soul killer. You're the devil with an angel's face. That's how you fool people. That's how you fooled me. But I won't take it anymore, James, I won't. So goodbye, James Diamond. Goodbye forever. _

_Love, Carlos Garcia_

Carlos looked down at the paper in his hands. His breathing grew heavy again as he grabbed the letters and placed them on the kitchen table. Then he stammered into the bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and pulling out a bottle of Xanax Logan was prescribed last summer for his anxiety. He remembered that well. He was so worried for the smart boy, but James told him everything would be ok, he comforted him until he wasn't scared anymore. Carlos shook the thought away and opened the bottle, and poured the pills into his hand. There was a considerable amount left, almost thirty. He looked at himself in the mirror for the last time; his eyes were puffy and pink, tears flowed down his face, his hair was a mess. He closed his eyes and dropped all thirty pills into his mouth, adding some water from the faucet so they went down with ease. _'This is it.'_ He sat down against the bathtub and just took long breaths. Eventually, he started retching, breathing becoming difficult. His body was slowing down, so was his mind. Everything was becoming blurry, his sight almost nonexistent as the air could no longer get into his lungs through his body's urge to get the drugs out of his system. _'So this is what dying feels like.'_ He thought as everything went black.

* * *

Logan was the first to come home at 2:00pm. "Carlos?" He called out, confused when he didn't receive an answer. Usually Carlos would be the first thing he heard when walking into apartment 2J. He always seemed to cause a racket no matter what he was doing. He surveyed the apartment, his eyes landing on the two folded pieces of paper on the table. One read _To James Diamond. _And the other read _To Logan, Kendall, Katie, and Mrs. Knight._ He furrowed his brows and picked up the second paper, unfolding it and reading the messy writing.

_Dear Logan, Kendall, Katie, and Mrs. Knight,_

_I'm so sorry, but I had to do this. The reason, I can't say... I just don't want to suffer anymore. I'm sorry... I love you all so much. I hope I don't hurt you, but if I do, it's ok. You'll move on. Just promise me you won't stay sad, I like it when you guys are happy. Even though I know I'm getting in the way of your happiness; it isn't the first time Ive done so. _

_Logan, you were always so much smarter than me. I wished I had half the brains you do. Promise me you'll do great things? Make me proud. Take care of Camille._

_Kendall, keep singing, keep writing, keep playing guitar you're so good at it. You're a leader, and I know you'll be the one to help everyone through rough patches. Take care of Jo, Katie, and Mrs. Knight._

_Katie, I know you'll grow up to be some big business woman, or agent, or anything you want to be. You'll make us all so proud._

_Mrs. Knight, thank you for everything. Thank you for making our dreams come true and being like a mother to me these past 3 years. _

_I love you all so much._

_Goodbye._

_Love,_

_Carlos_

Logan was shaking. The letter fell out of his hand and back onto the table.

"CARLOS"? He yelled, searching the apartment for his friend. "CARLOS?"

He swung open the bathroom door where he saw his best friend of 14 years lying on the cold tile floor, lifeless.

"Oh my god." He breathed. "Oh my god Carlos. "Tears were pouring down his face as he knelt down beside the Latino boy. He felt his cheek, it was cold.

"Carlos Please." He cried. "please." Nothing was making sense to him. Carlos was the happiest person he knew

Logan reached into his jeans pocket, grabbing his cellphone and dialling 9-1-1 with his shaking hands.

"911 what is your emergency?" The dispatcher asked on the other line.

"M-my friend C-Carlos I th-think he's d-d-dead." He stuttered

"What is your current location?" The woman asked

"I-I live in the Palmwoods, apartment 2J." Logan croaked, biting his lip to hold back tears.

"What is your name?"

"L-Logan Mitchell, please bring help." Logan pleaded.

"Okay logan, we're going to send an ambulance, they should be there soon." The woman insured. "Just stay calm, we will do everything we can to help your friend."

"Thank you..." Logan breathed before he hung up. He was so confused. So many things were processing in Logan's mind. Why would Carlos do this? Why wouldn't he try to talk to someone about it? Perhaps he would never find out, but Logan was smart; he could figure it out. However, now wasn't the time. It wasn't the time for thinking, or panicking, he had to calm down, he knew he did. He took in deep breaths and tried to clear his mind of the rising anxiety as he called Kendall, James, Mrs. Knight, and Katie and alerted them to come home as soon as possible. When they asked why, he simply said, "It's Carlos."

* * *

The Paramedics and police officers arrived a few minutes before Kendall, Katie, and Mrs. Knight had. Logan showed them the note. The all burst into tears and held each other. Logan's heart broke again.

The police asked him a lot of questions, most of which he did not know the answer to. He didn't want to answer either. He didn't want to think about it, but he knew had to face this.

An officer found the bottle the pills had been in before they killed Carlos. He showed it to Logan and asked why they had it.

"Xanax?" Logan asked. The officer nodded his head.

"yup." He confirmed. "It seemed the boy overdosed on the stuff."

Logan was speechless, he struggled to form the words. His mind was racing. "Those are mine." He crooked. "I take them for my anxiety."

The officer smacked his lips together and looked down at the bottle, sighing. "It's so sad to see a teen go like this. We see so many cases similar to your friend's." He held up the bottle, "I'm sure you won't be wanting this." He said as he shoved it into his pants pocket.

"No... I don't." Logan agreed, gulping down the lump in his throat.

"I'm so sorry about Carlos." The man said, placing a hand on Logan's shoulder to attempt comforting him.

Logan studied the man's face for a moment before plastering on a smile and getting out an "It's alright."

He smiled back at Logan and clapped his hand on his shoulder, walking out the door of the apartment, along with the rest of the officers and paramedics. Logan turned to Kendall and looked at him for a long moment before bursting into tears and falling into his friend's arms.

"Shh," Kendall whispered, rubbing Logan's back. "I know it isn't going to be easy, but we'll get through this." Kendall was always the strong one. He was always there to tell everyone that it will be ok. It made Logan wonder how he dealt with things if he always kept them bottled up. Kendall was strong for everyone else, but it was hard to say if he was strong for himself. He could be a wreck, but no one would ever know. He's good at faking smiles.

Just then, the front door opened again and none other but James Diamond came strolling into the room.

"Where the hell have you been?" Kendall spat.

James raised his hands in defence. "I got here as fast as I could." He claimed. A lie. Kendall knew it.

"Of course." He retorted. "Do you even know whats been going on?" Kendall was glaring at James, he hadn't like the guy very much lately. He knew every single thing he did to Carlos and it made him sick.

"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me." He replied. Kendall was angry. Beyond angry he was furious. He hated James. He hated that he was alive and Carlos wasn't.

"He's dead James!" Kendall yelled. "Carlos is fucking dead! And you don't even give a shit do you?" James just stared at him. He pressed his lips together and took in a breath.

"Are you serious?" He asked.

"I'm fucking dead serious, James." Kendall asserted. "He left you a letter. It's on the table. Read it I guess, or whatever the fuck sick people like you do."

James's eyes met the paper with his name written on it which was sitting on the table. He grabbed it then went off into his room, sitting on the bed and opening the letter. He ran over every word with his eyes, taking in what Carlos had wrote. James nodded and muttered, "He's right." Then, he crumpled the letter in his hands and threw it into the garbage bin beside his bedside table.

"Goodbye Carlos Garcia."

* * *

**Thanks for reading! please review! xoxo**


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